I went to a party last night, so I totally justified myself staying home all day today. Not only did I go out last night, I stayed out until 11 p.m.! To me, that qualifies a day of complete recluse (and then some.) As a hermit, I need to build my strength back up for the next social endeavor.
It’s been a great day. I wore one of those outfits you wear around the house when you’re certain no one will see you – you know, the cut-off sweatpants and mismatched socks look. I laugh when I imagine people seeing me like this. If only they knew.
I’ve been ill with a cold lately, so this afternoon I made some chicken noodle soup and sat cross-legged on my bed as I ate it. I felt like Meg Ryan in You’ve Got Mail, when she makes a bowl of soup and sits on the floor in a corner of her apartment. I thought about one of the emails she sends Tom Hanks. “I lead a small life – well, valuable, but small,” she writes to him one night. I’ve always loved that line – valuable, but small. I wondered about my life. Is it small and valuable? Or something else.
I have big picture hopes and dreams that I’m striving toward, but as for day-to-day living, I feel like I’m wandering aimlessly.
Last night I had a conversation with a dear friend, and she helped me put things into perspective. “I have a word from God for you,” she said. This both thrilled and terrified me. “You know how you keep saying that you want to be a part of something bigger than yourself?” Yeah… “Well, just because you aren’t on the World Race anymore, and just because you aren’t doing Teach for America yet, and you don’t have a meaningful job right now – that doesn’t mean you aren’t a part of something bigger. You are. It just doesn’t look like you think it should. And God’s almost like, offended or something, that you don’t realize this.” I knew she was right. But it is just so hard to accept.
I thought about this conversation as I was cupping my bowl of soup with my hands and allowing the warmth to creep through my entire body. And then I heard God speak. He reminded me that this is a season of rest, of reflection and of healing. And what if it meant not having a job? It’s not like he told me I wouldn’t have a job, but I knew what he meant. He wants me to be okay with anything – he wants me to understand that things are way beyond my understanding. And to trust that he knows what is going on.
And so I surrendered the idea of having a job. And I’ll probably have to surrender it again tomorrow. And the day after. As I keep looking for jobs.
One thing is for sure, I’ve been hearing God speak the last few days. And I know it’s because I’m actually taking time to stop and listen. Maybe I’m not supposed to have a job so I can sit around in my mismatched socks and listen to God all day long. I really don’t know.
One thing I’ve started doing (just yesterday) is thanking God for not having a job. Don’t get me wrong – I’m still praying for one and I’m still filling out an annoying amount of job applications. But since I’m not finding one I know that I’m not supposed to have one today, at least, and so I will thank God for that. And you know what? I’ve found myself with less stress and more peace.
I don’t know how this entire post ended up being about God again. I was planning on writing about bumming around the house all day. Oh man, I’m so whipped. Last night at the party one of my friends found out I have a blog, and she asked me what I write about. “Um…God? I guess?” was my answer.
And now I’m going to watch Paris, je t’aime.
Goodnight, dear void.