Welp, it’s a Friday night and I’m in my plaid pajamas. I could’ve gone to a Halloween party, but who wants to do that when you can stay in bed with a cup of hot cocoa by your side?
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever figure myself out. I love people, I love parties…yet I also love being alone, always. I think the problem is that I’m changing, and I have been for a while, and I don’t know what to do with who I used to be and the person I’m becoming (hence the title of my blog.)
I visited my friend Jolie today. We met five years ago at college and have been best friends ever since. This afternoon we bundled up in fall coats and scarves and took a walk around Wright State’s campus. We were walking and talking and I had one of those moments where I was like….how did I get here?
It felt like Jolie and I had been hanging out in my dorm room – drinking Arby’s milkshakes and talking about her crush on this boy Sean – when suddenly we were snatched up and flashed forward to this particular moment at Wright State. Jolie is now married to Sean and I can’t remember the last time I had a milkshake from Arby’s. What happened?
I guess it’s this whole thing called “growing up” – but I wonder, when does it end, if ever? Will I forever be in a state of “what happened and how did I get here?” or does it stabilize at a certain age, say 37.
Meaning, I’m curious to know if this is just a stage that takes place in my 20s.
Lately I’ve been thinking about how my life right now is not at all what I thought it would be a few months ago. I was going to live with my sister. I thought I would have a job. I was planning to see Les Mis with my parents in the spring…not gonna happen.
I’d like to share with you something I make every once in a while – I call it my “life-line.” Basically, it’s an outline of how I expect my life to turn out. When I look back, they tend to make me laugh.
I created my first one on January 3, 2004:
(Age 18) – August 2004- Movie to Pittsburg, PA to attend college
(Age 20) – May 2006- Move to CA for 4 months. Work as a waitress and go to auditions.
(Age 20) – August 2006- If no luck with auditions, move back to PA and finish college. Then go back to CA. If success in CA, transfer to a college there
(Age 23-26) – Work as an actress
(Age 26) – Meet future husband, start dating
(Age 27-28) – Continue acting, dating
(Age 28) – Get married with a New Zealand honeymoon
(Age 30) – First kid out of 4 or 5
(Age 30-?) – Work occasional acting jobs, be a mom/wife, take family vacations to South Carolina every year
um, yeah. The first part of this is a joke – I never went to college in Pittsburgh and I never pursued an acting career in California. Maybe I’ll marry at 28 and have a New Zealand honeymoon…but probably not. And I don’t want 4 or 5 of my own kids, no thanks.
My second was was made on November 17, 2006:
(Age 21)- Compete on The Amazing Race with my father. Graduate from college.
(Age 22)- Travel to various countries with YWAM. Miss my first Christmas at home.
(Age 23-29)- Save Darfur. And the invisible children. And the untouched babies in Russia. And all the females in India. Meet wild missionary man and elope. Hopefully wild missionary man will be Donald Miller.
(Age 30-35)- Have a wedding reception in the states for my family and whatever friends I still have. Settle down not in Ohio. Have two children.
(Age 35)- Go back to school to get an education degree. Laugh at all the crazy college kids.
(Age 36-45)- Teach creative writing in high school, take in foster children, volunteer at soup kitchens and nearby prisons.
(Age 45-85)- To be determined.
so this one is a little more on par. I never made it on the Amazing Race with my dad, but I did graduate from college and go on the World Race. I didn’t miss my first Christmas at home at 22 – instead it was 23. I still want to meet a wild missionary man, though I do not want him to be Donald Miller. I still want to be a part of all those things (Darfur, Indian females, Russian babies, etcetera.) I still want to settle somewhere other than Ohio, I still want to be a creative writing teacher and I still want to be a foster parent/volunteer at prisons. Cool.
And lastly, I made one on August 20, 2010:
(Age 24) – Live with parents, work at YMCA, lots of concerts and ballets and musicals and weekend road trips, trip to Saudi Arabia
(Age 25 – 26) – Teach for America
(Age 27) – Start dating a man. Maybe?
Well…we all know I didn’t get the YMCA job. Oh and I’m not going to Saudi Arabia in the spring. And I still don’t know about Teach for America.
If I were to make a life-life today, October 31, 2010, it would look something like this:
(Age 23) – Lead Real Life trip
(Age 24) – ???????
(Age 25) – ??????????
(Age 30) – ?????????????
So, yeah. What’s your life-life? No really, I’m interested.
P.S. And wow. I just realized that I thought I was 23. I noticed I typed 23 for leading a real life trip and then I seriously had to contemplate,”Wait…am I 23, or 24?” OMG I’M THAT OLD PERSON WHO CAN’T REMEMBER HER AGE. I’ve heard of that happening, and I never understood. Now I understand…and I want to cry. Feel free to call me Betty from now on, or whatever your grandmother’s name is.