Well, I received another job rejection in the mail yesterday. It’s funny, I applied at this place so long ago that I had forgotten about it by the time they rejected me. I guess it was nice of them to let me know – but at the same time I’m kind of offended. Did they really think I was sitting around waiting to hear back from them all these months? Pa-lease. I can take a hint, and I have so moved on.
I had a job interview at the mall a week or so ago. It was interesting. The heavyset lady who interviewed me had a tattoo smack dab in the middle of her cleavage, and I couldn’t stop staring. I mean, I just had never seen anything like that before. And all I could do was wonder why she would get a tiny Chinese symbol tattooed on that particular area of her body. And then I wondered if it was rude to stare, but it shouldn’t be in this case, right? So my eyes darted back and forth from her face to her chest during the entire interview. Needless to say, I don’t think I got the job.
But God is so good. My artist friend Kendra offered to pay me to be her assistant when she needs the extra help. I worked for her the other week, which was fun because I was able to pretend I was a brilliant artist (…when really all I did was paint boxes brown. But still. Picasso had to start somewhere, right?) And my mom, who is a psychiatrist, said she could use my help with filing and phone calls and stuff. So basically I’m an artist’s assistant and a doctor’s assistant. Can’t wait to add that to my resume.
God has taught me so much throughout this whole job search experience. It’s pretty humbling to not have a job for an extended period of time when I’m living in my parent’s house. At times I’ve wondered, am I not trying hard enough? Am I just lazy? But then God will say to me, “No, you are exactly where you need to be. I am in control.” And then I’ll be fine. Until someone says something. A person or two has said a judgmental comment to me, and then I get really insecure and feel the need to justify myself. But then God says, “Let them think what they want to think. Don’t defend yourself – I know your heart and that’s all that matters.” But still it’s hard. I’m learning how to follow God even if I don’t have the approval of people.
Lately I’ve been getting pretty itchy and antsy to move onto what’s next in my life. In two months from tomorrow I fly down to Georgia, where I’ll begin the next season of life that will lead me to Nicaragua. I am feeling fueled to lead. I’m ready to get out of Columbus and jump into a missionary lifestyle again. “Whoa, slow down,” God said to me. “You still have two more months here. I have more things to teach you, more ways to change and prepare you. You may think you are ready, but you aren’t.”
Ugh, fine. Staying in Columbus is not my calling, so it’s hard to want to be here. But I know I am supposed to be here right now, so I have to be okay with that. It helps that it’s the holiday season.
I just get lonely sometimes. I have friends here, but they are in different stages of life (aka they’re married.) So while I am the first to call them, they are first to call their husbands. So basically I see them once a month. I’m getting to the point where I’m befriending things like cds and books, because they are always there for me, and they always seem to know how I feel. I was friends with books and music when I was depressed a few years ago, but now I’m not depressed. I just don’t have any friends.
Which is why I took a last minute trip up to Toledo this weekend. I spent the night with my friends Allie and Shayna – we ate Chinese food and pizza and ice cream, but don’t worry, the ice cream was reduced fat. We talked about what girls always talk about during sleepovers – weddings and pooping. We wondered what we’d be doing a year from now. We snuggled with each on the couch as we watched an Ellen Degeneres special. In the morning Allie had to work, but Shayna and I stayed in our pjs and talked about God as we ate eggs and toast and jam.
And then I drove home. I listened to Brandi Carlile the entire way, and knew that I was going to be okay.
I know the darkness pulls on you But it's just a point of view When you're outside looking in You belong to someone And when you feel like giving in And the coming of the end Like your heart could break in two Someone loves you