Yesterday I woke up with puffy eyes. Such a lovely reminder that something sad happened the day before. When I was sprawled out on the floor after hearing about my rejection, I couldn’t imagine going on with life the following day. But I got out of bed in the morning. And did what I had to do.
You guys have been so good to me. Your prayers, comments, messages, texts, phone calls and overall compassion and concern have left me in awe of the love that I feel. Thank you. You have no idea how much it has meant to me.
My sister treated me to a sympathy lunch yesterday. I picked her up from work, and when she got in the car she said sincerely, yet dramatically, “Well, it’s best you didn’t get accepted – at least now you don’t have to live in Indianapolis. Really, they did you a favor.” And I laughed. I laughed because I had previously told her that I feared God might place me in Indianapolis. And it’s true, I’d rather not live there. At least now I still have a chance of getting out of the Midwest.
I spent the afternoon doing some yard work for my mom. I listened to a lot of Coldplay. To me, Coldplay is sadly beautiful, and they often leave me feeling a mixture of depression and inspiration. So they were perfect to listen to, because Chris Martin clearly understood my sorrow, but he could also help me see the light.
I went to dance class, came home and took a bath. I can’t remember the last time I took a bath. I used to take baths after a hard, long day at dance in high school, or after a hard, long semester at college. And now, after a hard, long pursuit of a dead dream.
I thought about how happy I am that I dyed my hair the other day. I love love love the physical representation of change. You know, like when someone cuts off his or her hair after a break up. My friend had long, pretty hair when she was dating this guy, and he liked it that way. When they broke up she cut it all off. I love that. I spent the last few years of college growing out my hair – the summer after I graduated I cut it all off. To me, it represented a fresh start. Well, I didn’t cut off my hair this time – I dyed it, and I like it. The course of my life has changed – and so had my hair color.
It’s weird. I thought it would take me a while to get over this heartbreak. But strangely, just a day later, I’m fine. More than fine, actually. I thought I would have more tears to cry. Sometimes when I’m in a lot of pain I use up all my tears – this is not one of those times. I just don’t feel the need to cry – I’m not really sad anymore. I keep thinking, “Welppp, I guess TFA isn’t gonna happen after all. Moving on.” And I am. I honestly believe it’s because of your prayers.
I don’t doubt that I still have grieving to do. But right now I’m excited about the holiday season here with my family, I’m excited about leading a trip to Nicaragua for four months, and I’m excited for whatever may happen after that. The sky’s the limit.