Sometimes life seems normal – I live day to day with ease. My heart is intact and I don’t even notice that it’s beating. Nothing overwhelms; everything makes sense. I wonder why other people don’t wake up and get it.
there are times when my heart is ripping at the seams – it’s simultaneously broken over an old love and thumping over a new crush. How can that be? I’ll have resentment and sympathy toward the same person. I’ll grieve an ending while looking forward to the next beginning. I’ll want to go to sleep and dream, but also and stay up and cling to reality. I’ll recall a memory with fondness and distress. There will be something I want to do, but I find myself too paralyzed to move. An idea will be simple, yet complex. A song, a movie, a TV show will inspire and depress me. When I’m with people I want to be alone, when I’m alone I want to be with people. I thrive off change, but I crave stability. I want to be prettier, but then again not. I’m jealous of a girl but I also feel sorry for her. I’ll desire and despise something (or someone) in an equal amount. I don’t regret certain things that I think I should. I’ll admire my long hair but want to cut it all off.
So often does my heart feel the messy combination of joy and sorrow, hope and despair, faith and doubt, peace and stress, love and hatred, goodness and evil, control and abandon, accomplishment and loss, freedom and confinement, patience and restlessness, satisfaction and discontentment, independence and loneliness, confidence and insecurity, protection and vulnerability…during such times my mind just has no clue what to do. And then I feel a little bit like a crazy person. I ask God why it all has to be so complicated.
I wonder, how come everyone else seems to get it?
You know when you put one leg on the outside of the covers, and suddenly your body temperature seems perfectly balanced? Well I wish I could do the same thing with my heart. Too bad it doesn’t have legs.