Lately I’ve been feeling content. To my surprise, I don’t really like it. During those months I lived at home last year I was devastatingly discontent – I yearned for a different life than what I was living. My diary entries are full of longing, of aching for the next step. But God had me home for a reason, so I stayed. I stayed and I struggled.
Being content is enjoyable…but it’s also kind of boring.
I’m pushing myself, but not to the limit. I’m living in a way that’s not exactly easy, not exactly hard. I want more of God, so I give more of myself to God. And then I kinda stop there.
But I guess God still wants more of me. I’m like…really? Haven’t I already given enough!? I’m already living beyond what is comfortable. And then he says, “How badly do you want me?”
That is the question. I heard someone from my church once say, “You can have as much of God as you want.” I believe it to be true – that if we hunger and thirst and search for God we will continue to discover him in even profound ways. But it’s hard to hunger and thirst and search for God – for me it usually entails loving people when I’d rather not, going without food when I’d rather eat, doing something meaningful when I’d rather nap.
My problem is that when I choose to love someone or go without food or do something instead of nap I think I’m done, that I’m set for at least a while to come. That’s when God is all, “Love that person more deeply, until it’s radically inconvenient for you. Go without food until it really hurts, and then keep going. And no more naps.” I’m like…really? Haven’t I already given enough!? I’m already living beyond what is comfortable. And then he says, “How badly do you want me?”
And so the cycle goes.
This morning I lay on the floor and asked God for a vision for my team. He showed me two choices, two paths, two ways this trip could turn out…
1) We eat meals together, attend church, teach English, go on house visits. Care for people in the hospital, the children’s home, the retirement center. See some cool places; have fun together. The end will come and we’re sad to leave each other. We’ll miss each other for a little while, but are soon to move on with our regular lives. Occasionally we’ll tell people about that time we lived in Nicaragua for a few months. It was a good time, for the most part.
2) We have the most extraordinary experience that is set apart from anything else we’ve ever done. We sweat, cry, hurt, DIE to ourselves. We collapse into bed every night not because we’ve survived another day, but because we lived dangerously. We finish this trip and hear Jesus say, “Well done, my good and faithful daughters.” We go home, completely equipped and forever changed. Old patterns and behaviors are no longer and will never be again. Each one of us has a deeper understanding of who God is, of who we are. Our team will be a bond that continues on even after this trip ends. For years we won’t be able to stop talking about that time we spent in Nicaragua, about how God showed up and everything changed.
The choice is mine. A mediocre experience or a mind-blowing one. It all depends how badly I want it; how hard I’m willing to fight, how much I’m willing to sacrifice.
As I wrote in my diary to God, “…I’m scared to really know what I have to do.”
He replied, “How badly do you want it?”
Only time will tell.