And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time…
We didn’t plan it, but this past week we spent most of our mornings praising Jesus on the kitchen floor. We were supposed to go places, do things, be busy. But this week Jesus told us to slow down and just enjoy him, to sit in his presence. So we did. We were supposed to visit the children’s disability school, we were supposed to go to the retirement home. Instead we sat on the dirty kitchen floor and worshiped God.
On Friday night we sat on the roof and ate dinner in the dark. One by one we read aloud the stories of our lives. We had each been assigned to transform our history into a creative short story. Listening to them, I wanted to cry. They were so beautiful.
I’ve been feeling more emotional lately. It seems God is stripping everything away from me – all the relationships I hold so dear. Sometimes I put more hope in my relationships than I do in God. Actually, a lot of the time. But then people fail me or move away or get married. I’m left here in Nicaragua, wondering where I’ll fit in when I come back to the States.
My girls are so excited to go home – by the sounds of it they’ll have a parade of family and friends cheering for them when walk off the plane. My family will be there to pick me up in Ohio, but a week later I’m moving to Georgia. I know a good amount of people in Georgia, but I don’t really know them. And they don’t really know me. They already have their cliques, their groups, where will I fit in? I feel like I’m going to college all over again – I’m even going to have random roommate(s). I’m starting over…and that’s kinda scary.
I was supposed to live with one of my closest friends in Georgia, but she recently decided to move back home. When I found out tears filled my eyes and terror filled my soul. She was my constant, my dependence. I knew I could always fall back on her. But now she’s gone and I’m moving to Georgia with no roommate, with no one who knows me inside and out.
God did this for a reason. He did it because he wants to prove that HE IS ENOUGH.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about loneliness, about how sad it is to be surrounded by people who don’t know you. I wrote in my diary a few days before Christmas, “Tonight Mel and I went to a party. We ate Christmas cookies and sang Christmas Carols and I felt kind of lonely.” I remember sitting on a couch in a room full of people, feeling more alone than if I had been in my bedroom by myself. That’s the worst.
I still carry a small sense of that here with me in Nicaragua. My girls and I are close, we do everything together and share secrets with each other that we haven’t told anyone else. But the other week they saw me in a different setting and were like, “Who are you right now?!” And that made me sort of sad, because I realized how little they knew me. And besides, four months is all we’ve been given – when it’s over it’s over.
I think I’m finally discovering why marriage is so beautiful. Sure, I bet the romance and sex is great. But eventually that fades away and what’s left is a person who knows you more than anyone else in the world, someone who is with you through it all. Marriage has never been that attractive to me because I’ve always had friends along the journey with me…but now they are all married or a phone call away. I have my girls here in Nica and I’m sure (I hope) I’ll make faithful friends in Georgia, but I’m getting tired of starting over, of sharing the same old stories over and over again. I just want someone who already knows what I mean – either because they were there with me or because they know how my mind works.
Having these kind of thoughts startle me, because marriage has always been this far off, inconceivable concept to me. I don’t doubt I’ll get married, but I also don’t doubt it will be a while yet. I’m better off single right now, even though it’s becoming harder the older I get. For the first time in my life I actually desire to be married for reasons more than romance and sex and chick flick reenactments.
Like I said, God has me in this somewhat solitary season because he wants to prove himself to me. He wants to prove that he is enough… even if my destiny is to become an old cat lady. No husband, no friends, just cats. He is enough. Though I trust my destiny is far greater than cats – I believe in a Promised Land flowing with milk and honey. And I’m not talking about heaven, I’m talking about here and now. Well, here and in a little while. I have some more lessons to learn and battles to fight before I can enter the land.
I’m fasting, and usually when I do I’m weak and tired and hungry and grumpy. Seriously, it’s a little embarrassing. This time around, however, I haven’t been hungry at all. In fact, I’ve felt full. This morning God said to me, “I am enough. You have not been hungry during this fast because I am proving to you that I am enough. I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt so that you would no longer be a slave to the Egyptians; I broke the bars of your yoke and enabled you to walk with your head held high.”
God knew my roommate was going to leave Georgia before I got there. He knew my friends were going to get married and live far away. He knew I would feel lonely and sometimes cry about it, and he’s letting it all happen because he wants me to stop putting my hope in humans and instead depend solely ON HIM. He wants to enable me to walk with my head held high. And maybe, just maybe when that happens I’ll look up to see my husband.
Whatever the case, I must live by the truth that my God is enough.
So yeah. This is where I am right now…in my twenties and in transition and just trying to figure it all out.
God help me.