Oh Monday I wrote about leadership and by Wednesday I was done. Just done. I was so tired. I knew I needed to keep pushing but I didn’t want to. So I didn’t. As the day went on I shut down more and more – physically, emotionally, spiritually. My feet were dragging and my soul was too. I know I’m in a bad state when I sketch out a calendar, when I count down the days and cross them off as they pass. Also when my only desire is to sleep the next month away.
As always, it was a bunch of things that added up. Bad dreams, frustrations, decisions. Being sick of everything, of everyone.
I want to be one of those people who is unshakable during hard times… unfortunately I’m not one of them. I’m weak; I give into failure too easily. On Wednesday I didn’t care that I was failing, quitting, compromising myself and disowning God – I embraced it.
Thankfully, God knows how to deal with me. He showed me compassion combined with a good kick in the rear. It’s Friday night and I’m a different person than I was on Wednesday. I’m standing up again; I’m coming back to life. I will finish this thing running. Not sleeping.
I don’t know who initiated it, but tonight I found a bunch of encouraging notes on my bed. “Thanks for being such a great leader” “You can wake me up any time at night when you are having a bad dream” “Let us know if there is ever any way we can serve you” …
It made me want to cry. I am so undeserving. I know so little of God’s grace.
Next week one of my girls and I are going to stay with a family in the barrios. I believe it will be an incredible time. Bucket showers, stinky outhouse, sleeping on the floor, a break from leading. God knows exactly what I need.
Needless to say, I’ll be leaving my homemade calendar behind.