I’m a ball of emotions. It’s hard to place how I feel – ready and sad for the end, excited and terrified about the future. So much is about to end, about to begin, about to change.
My girls and I have reached such a beautiful point in our relationships with each other. We’re closer than I thought we would be in less than four months. We don’t always need to talk – we often sit or walk in silence. We can be comfortably weird, boring, happy or grumpy around each other – we don’t have to explain ourselves or feel the need to entertain. I can sit down with any of these 8 girls and be fully myself because they know me and I know them. We’ve hit this stride and we’re going strong.
The other night we were all disturbed at 1 a.m. due to a situation we’ve been having with mice in our room. At first I was kind of pissed, but then we started making jokes and laughing uncontrollably. I did my “Gus Gus” voice from Cinderella. Everyone was being loud and hilarious. Finally we fell back asleep, only to be woken up again at 5:30 by our Nicaraguan friends. They stood outside our window and bellowed “Feliz Cumpleanos” (Happy Birthday) to Brittany. It was endearing, but also annoying.
That night is one of my favorite memories, because we were all in it together. Chances are I’m going to be sleeping alone the rest of the year. No more midnight adventures with bats or mice or my 8 sisters. And in that way I’ll miss the bats and mice (…and the singing Nicaraguans.)
Tonight we looked at pictures from the beginning of this trip – we noticed how light our skin was and how dark our hair used to be, how much weight we’ve gained or lost, how different we were back then. We knew so little about God and each other.
I’m happy to say we’ve reached the Promised Land – so many times I didn’t think we would make it. So many times I was scared to trust God, to even ask him for this Land. But we made it and he made that clear to me this week. Things I thought were impossible are currently being proven possible. I should be in awe, but I don’t think it’s really hit me yet.
Sometimes it takes my heart a while to catch up with reality.
I know the end is upon me, that in 10 days my feet will touch U.S. soil and everything will change. But in my heart, life in Nicaragua is all I can comprehend. Waking up in this bunk bed, sweating through the days and being surrounded by my sisters. How will I go on without them?
Only God knows.