Yesterday I sat next to a man who had been married for three years, divorced for five and then remarried to the same woman for 27 years (…and counting). I thought that was fascinating. Usually I don’t like to talk to strangers on planes, but I decided to give this guy a try. He went on to show me pictures of his life, which consists of his granddaughter Jewel and a lot of dead deer. He shared his stance on homosexuality and abortion. He gave me dating advice (…”don’t nag a man when he comes back from a long day of huntin’!”) Noted.
I’ve been back in Ohio for a day now. I fell asleep to a thunderstorm last night, alone. It was weird. As I listened to the rain I thought about my last night in Nicaragua – it rained. All my girls were asleep, but I was wide awake – staring at the top of my bunk and thinking about how everything was about to change. I don’t know how some people are able to sleep sometimes.
For the last week I’ve been helping out at World Race training camp. I absolutely love training camp. My training camp was this time two years ago – that blows my mind. I never ever ever could have predicted I’d be back at training camp, friends with the staff who trained me and continuing my relationship with Adventures in Missions. Life is one big surprise after another, that’s for sure.
I was recently surprised to discover (…yet again) how little I know about God. When I was in Nicaragua I had a lot of crazy dreams. I didn’t know what they meant, but many of them had reoccurring themes that haunted me. I prayed that God would send someone to interpret them for me. Well, last week he did. At the beginning of training camp I met a girl who could interpret dreams. As soon as she began to translate them I felt my heart being stabbed, or ripped open, or something. I cried myself to sleep that night, leaving my eyes puffy and bloodshot for the next two days.
Basically, I’m a much bigger mess than I ever realized. And because of my mess I can’t see God clearly – he’s blurred and skewed under the lens from which I view him. My idea of love is completely confused – I hardly know what it is and I don’t know how to receive it. Basically, I know nothing about God. I’m about to get saved all over again.
I haven’t had time to process any of this – for the last week I’ve walked around feeling like my heart is hanging out of my chest, all bloody and barren. I still kind of feel that way. I don’t know what to do – what can I do? I’m at a loss. But it’s kind of freeing in a way. There’s nothing I can do – God has to come through. He absolutely has to.
And then, maybe there will come a day when someone sits down next to me on a plane. They won’t want to talk to me, but I’ll go ahead and tell them all about how I was in love for three years, confused for a few and then able to receive love for the next 27 years (…and counting.)