Currently: I’m a mess.
A good mess, I think. I hope.
I’m overwhelmed in every good way (…and some bad ways, too.) Since coming home from Nicaragua I’ve been go-go-go. I haven’t been able to process anything since like May 9 – a lot has happened since then. When I don’t process I stop functioning, or something. My friend Anna recently told me that she admires how I process everything. At the time I was honored, but right now I’m annoyed. Why do I have to process everything? Why can’t I just let life happen? If I don’t process (aka write everything down) it feels like all these thoughts and feelings are stuck inside my brain, taking up space and struggling to get out. There’s a pretty big fight going on in my head right now. I don’t know where to begin, where to end, so I just ignore the battle, put on some lipgloss and keep going. What else is a girl to do?
I went to a wedding in D.C. this weekend. While I was gone it was as if time stopped – I was present in every moment. Nothing from the past or future haunted me, I don’t think. Now I’m back in Ohio and have to face the fact that I’m leaving for Georgia on Wednesday.
New things usually don’t scare me – they thrill me. Going to college at 18, working at camp in California at 20, flying to India by myself at 22, joining the World Race at 23, leading a trip to Nicaragua at 24. Now I’m 25 and I’m moving to Georgia and I’m terrified.
I don’t know why I’m so scared. Well, maybe I do.
I don’t have a bed. I don’t have full financial support. I don’t know exactly what I’ll be doing. I don’t know if I’ll like it. I don’t know how long I’ll be there. I don’t know who my “safe” people will be…
I’m [kinda] tired of making new friends. I’m [kinda] ready for a husband. But I’m still [very] afraid of boys – even though I want their attention. Will I ever get it right?
The LORD continues to remind me that he has always taken care of me – so why do I still fret? Because I don’t fully trust him, I guess. I don’t fully trust him because I don’t know him. I thought I did…and then a few weeks ago everything I knew about God was destroyed. It was a good thing, but now I’m kinda left here like, “Uhhhhhh???”
As I drifted into sleep the night all my perceptions were destroyed, I prayed, “God, please put me in more positions where I have to trust you – places where I absolutely won’t make it if you don’t show up.” I was half asleep and teary-eyed and surprised to hear myself say such a ludicrous thing. It seems that
unfortunately fortunately God heard me and is answering my prayer.
We’ll see what happens.