I’m in Nashville at my favorite coffee shop. There’s lipgloss on my cup and I’m reminded of that song where the guy sings about how the girl is gone, but her lipstick is still on his cup. I look forward to the day a man appreciates my lipgloss stains.
When I walked up to order a few minutes ago the guy at the counter told me he liked my outfit. Usually I don’t like compliments from guys – but this one surprised me. Especially since everyone around me is super hipster trendy. Thank you, sir. You made my morning.
It’s weird to be here. I was living in Nashville this time two years ago. It’s hard for me to remember myself at that time… I had shorter hair. I hated church, but loved my house. I went for a lot of walks and listened to a lot of Death Cab for Cutie. I slept in forts and snuck into pools. I was happy, for the most part.
I’m happy now, but lately I’ve been feeling a lot like this:
This is how I feel all the time these days. Honestly, it’s a great place to be. It’s forces me to live moment by moment. When I’m living in the moment I don’t have time to worry about the future. Recently I’ve been in situations where I don’t know where I’m going to sleep at night or how I’m going to afford the next meal. You know what? God has always come through. I have this box of protein bars that I’ve been carrying around for the last week or two – my plan was to eat them for pretty much all my meals. So far I’ve only had to eat one of them. And I’ve slept on some pretty great couches.
I think God might be trying to woo me.
As I drove away from Ohio on Wednesday I prayed for God’s protection over me and my car. Two hours later smoke starting pouring out of my car’s hood. I pulled over at the next exit and tried not to cry. With the hood lifted, I sat on the curb of a gas station as I waited for a man inside to look at my car. I was completely helpless and had no choice but to embrace it. Other men would walk by, look at me sympathetically and ask if I needed a hand. I wanted to hug them.
Without getting into the seemingly boring details of everything, God sent me a herd of angels dressed in gray car repair clothing. Whenever I deal with auto mechanics my guard is up – to the point where I assume everything they tell me is a blatant lie. But as soon as I met these ones I trusted them. I felt safe. I probably could’ve cried on their shoulders if I wanted. (I didn’t.)
Three hours and $150 later I was on my way. And my car has been fine ever since.
My car’s mishap and the traffic that followed pretty much ruined all my plans for that day. Instead of beating my fists against the steering wheel and screaming at the heavens above me, I shrugged my shoulders and kept on living.
I don’t know exactly what it is, but I’ve been so different lately. I stopped wearing sunscreen and started wearing makeup again. I wear more dresses and text more frequently. I actually let myself go on a date. I’m giving alcohol a try – I drank wine. And half a mojito. I don’t sleep well at night, but I function during the days. I bought a bright pink flamingo shower curtain, because well…why not?
I spend my days not really knowing what day it is…or month, for that matter. There are sad things in life and bills to pay, but I shrug my shoulders and let God take care of me. With each passing day my fears are melting away – I am learning how to be loved.
It’s going to be a good summer, I can tell.