I’m happy. So happy.
I can’t pinpoint it, exactly. When I think back on the last few years of my life I’m reminded of a lot of good, but hard times. Joy intertwined with sorrow, laughter mixed with tears. And that’s mostly what life is, I suppose.
But right now life is good…and that’s it. No “but hard” tagged on the end. It’s just good.
In the past when I’ve experienced happy times I usually ruin them by wallowing in guilt. I punish myself for being happy, because why should I be happy when so many suffer? I figure I’ve done something wrong – somehow I’ve cheated the system. And surely karma will catch back up with me, so I’d better prepare for a crushing blow to my happiness. Life is supposed to be hard…right?
All I know is I’m learning how to be happy; I’m learning how to be loved. I’m allowing God to bless me. Before I accepted his love with my own strings attached – now I accept it freely. (Most of the time, anyway. I’m still in the process.) What I’ve discovered is that I desire to bless other people. Like, I really want to. I don’t just feel the need to. “We love because He first loved us” is starting to make sense. I can’t hold onto this love for myself – I want to share it with others. Take my car! Eat my food! Sleep in my bed! It was all a gift to me, so I want to share it with you.
My life isn’t perfect – I still have issues and I still want things out of my reach. But at the end of these days, I’m happy. And I don’t see it ending anytime soon.