25 years old, zero boyfriends.
Sometimes I worry that I have a fear of commitment or too high of standards, or that maybe it’s time to stop waiting for James Franco to find me and fall madly in love. But then I remind myself that I’m probably normal – it just hasn’t happened for me yet.
The opportunity has presented itself over the years – but there was usually distance involved, or the timing was off, or in the end he just wasn’t that into me/I just wasn’t that into him.
I don’t doubt that I’ll fall in love and get married one day, but as hard as I try I can’t picture it. Earlier this year I wrote in my diary, “I can’t imagine myself with a boyfriend. Like…you hang out with a guy all the time?? Seems so weird.” When I try to think about myself in a romantic relationship I feel like I’m trying to understand quantum physics. It just doesn’t make sense.
I think it’s partly (mostly?) because I’ve never made it to the point where I feel comfortable around a guy I like. I can be a messy eater and sometimes I don’t have anything interesting to say, parallel parking makes me nervous and good hair days are hit or miss. I try to be myself, but when you have to try to be yourself you’re not really being yourself.
I’m easily myself around my girlfriends, obviously, so I try to take that version of myself and imagine it with a guy I like. But that doesn’t work – all I can picture is me talking too quickly (or not at all because I’m dumbstruck), laughing too loudly or maybe even crying in a dark corner (…that only happened once, but still.)
There was one guy I spent a lot of time with, and he asked if I was comfortable around him. “Yes,” I lied. Thankfully, it was nighttime, so he couldn’t see that I had a mini panic attack.
Conclusion: I still act like a 6th grader when it comes to boys.
There’s nothing I can really do to change this – it is what it is. And I have to be okay with that.
I know my time is coming. I know there will soon be a day when I make it past all the nervousness and sweat, when I am fully myself around a guy I like. Then I will no longer have to wrack my brain trying to
understand quantum physics imagine myself with a boyfriend…
What a special day that will be indeed.