on being single…always.

25 years old, zero boyfriends.

Sometimes I worry that I have a fear of commitment or too high of standards, or that maybe it’s time to stop waiting for James Franco to find me and fall madly in love. But then I remind myself that I’m probably normal – it just hasn’t happened for me yet.

The opportunity has presented itself over the years – but there was usually distance involved, or the timing was off, or in the end he just wasn’t that into me/I just wasn’t that into him.

I don’t doubt that I’ll fall in love and get married one day, but as hard as I try I can’t picture it. Earlier this year I wrote in my diary, “I can’t imagine myself with a boyfriend. Like…you hang out with a guy all the time?? Seems so weird.” When I try to think about myself in a romantic relationship I feel like I’m trying to understand quantum physics. It just doesn’t make sense.

I think it’s partly (mostly?) because I’ve never made it to the point where I feel comfortable around a guy I like. I can be a messy eater and sometimes I don’t have anything interesting to say, parallel parking makes me nervous and good hair days are hit or miss. I try to be myself, but when you have to try to be yourself you’re not really being yourself.

I’m easily myself around my girlfriends, obviously, so I try to take that version of myself and imagine it with a guy I like. But that doesn’t work – all I can picture is me talking too quickly (or not at all because I’m dumbstruck), laughing too loudly or maybe even crying in a dark corner (…that only happened once, but still.)

There was one guy I spent a lot of time with, and he asked if I was comfortable around him. “Yes,” I lied. Thankfully, it was nighttime, so he couldn’t see that I had a mini panic attack.

Conclusion: I still act like a 6th grader when it comes to boys.

There’s nothing I can really do to change this – it is what it is. And I have to be okay with that.

I know my time is coming. I know there will soon be a day when I make it past all the nervousness and sweat, when I am fully myself around a guy I like. Then I will no longer have to wrack my brain trying to understand quantum physics imagine myself with a boyfriend…

What a special day that will be indeed.


About Hope Naomi

Lover of all things tea and travel.
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9 Responses to on being single…always.

  1. shaynacraze says:

    When I read this I thought of you running out of the dollar store with a birthday balloon attached to you. I thought of you driving a 15 passenger van in the carpool lane. I thought of how excited you get over things like sweat pants and icecream. I thought about how you wrote a blog about poo juice.

    I love ALL of those things about you and so much more! I seriously cannot wait to meet your future husband because if he’s dating you then he has to be bad ass.

  2. Lindsey says:

    God will always give you what your heart desires. No worries:-)

  3. marissavilla says:

    I have a hard time being myself even around girls. So. You are one step ahead of me. 😉

  4. sarachoe says:

    i wish i could like comments, like marissa’s. i kinda wish i thought romantic relationships as foreign as quantum physics to me; for me (i’ve only been in one relationship) i could use a small dose of indifference towards boys as anything more than friends. especially as one who seems to befriend boys with relative ease.

  5. Mags says:

    Stumbled across this blog-and this Post is EXACTLY me. To a t. 25, never had a bf, 6th grader antics. It’ll happen for both of us. Fingers crossed it’s soon!

  6. you should send this post to http://goodwomenproject.com. It’s worthy.

  7. agreed with matt. send it over!!!

    p.s. i love this post.

  8. Anna Notario says:

    Hope. i love that we posted single blogs on the sameish day. soul sisters. also. if i were a guy, you wouldn’t be single? is that a weird thing to say? maybe…. but it’s late. and i love you a whole whole whole lot

  9. Natasha says:

    Hey babe! I so get you! I just ended things with this guy who I’ve been seeing for 6 months. And the reason for that was because I realised that I couldn’t fully be myself around him. It was hard for me to open up to him, and I really can’t explain why! It’s nice to know that there’s someone out there who feels exactly the way I do. But the time will come for us, eventually. Lets not lose hope! The wait will be worth it 🙂

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