Before last year ended, God told me 2012 was going to be a year of change. Typically I’m someone who welcomes change eagerly – but the intensity in which God spoke this word began to freak me out a little. Big changes were coming so I’d better get ready…
and then nothing happened.
Well, nothing too crazy or out of the ordinary. Squad leading was a blast – then I came back to Georgia and moved in with my old roommate and continued working at AIM. Where’s the change in that? When God said change I thought he meant he was going to rip out the rug from underneath me and take me to North Dakota, or something like that. Instead he took me right back to everything I knew before. So now I’m halfway through 2012 and not a whole lot has changed…
except. I’m finding that even though everything is the same it’s actually different. And now I kinda know what God was talking about.
I believe in change; it makes room for better. But better doesn’t always come painlessly – it hurts to let go of the old. My heart is torn in half – it feels the sorrow of what once was as well as the hope for what is to come. I want to cling to the old, but I know I need to let it go. The first week of January I wrote in my diary, “Last night Dennis told me that in this next season I am going to LOSE things in order to GAIN things. What the hell – this scares me.”
Right now I’m losing things. I’m losing the way I thought things would be, I’m losing people I thought would never leave. And it hurts.
I’m also gaining. I enjoy these gains (new opportunities, new relationships) but I also anticipate them dissolving. I just have this fear that one day I’ll have no friends because everyone will move away or get married or whatever.
On Monday I wrote in my diary,
…tonight God showed me I merely *fear* being lonely and forgotten, but the reality is that I am NOT, so why worry? I’m taken care of – for better or for worse. He. Loves. Me.
And so, as I continue through this year of change – of old things left behind and new things embraced – I will not fear. (At least as much.)
Besides, who has time to worry when there are French dinner parties and Forth of July cookouts and superhero movies to attend?