Today it rained, but that didn’t matter. Everyone still seemed to buzz with excitement.
October is finally here.
I’m a summer girl through and through, always preferring hot over cold (…yes, I realize you can always add more layers when you’re cold. Try going to college in Toledo, Ohio during the dead of winter and then talk to me about layers. Midwest winters don’t care about your layers.)
I’ve never been able to enjoy autumn because to me it foreshadows
winter, ahem, death – hence why bears hibernate and birds flee for their lives. Get away while you can, save yourselves! They all seem to understand: go to sleep, go south or die.
I’ve done what I can to migrate south – but the snow still falls in Georgia. I’ve seen it.
Fall has never been a good thing to me. I’ve never caught the buzz.
That is, until today.
Well, I won’t go as far as to say I’ve caught the buzz, but I will say that today I didn’t mind it. I didn’t consider it a threat. I actually kind of enjoyed people’s blogs and status updates about the changing seasons.
It’s been another one of those 8 months of summer kind of years. I didn’t think I’d experience that again after my first World Race, but here I am again. Last time I was so, so sad when the seasons changed, this time I’m not.
I’m not sad about it, but I’m not exactly happy either. I don’t know what I am.
This is how I’ve felt most of the summer – confused about what it is I’m actually feeling. Lots of good things have happened and I’ve had a lot of fun. But so many relationships have shifted and I find myself writing in my diary things like, “What are you doing, God? Who are the people in the same season of life as me?” and, “I just want someone who won’t leave.”
I keep wondering what God is up to, but he’s not telling me. Sometimes I trust him well, other times not as much.
Three months ago I had this dream: I was pregnant and it was time to give birth, but when I tried the baby didn’t come. So the rest of the dream was me waiting around for labor. Also, I didn’t look pregnant, but I was.
This is how I feel. Like I’m ready for something and I’m just waiting around for it to happen. But nothing’s happening. So I wait. And wait.
Summer fades, fall sneaks in.
Drinking tea, reading books, going to Target. I wore the same shirt all weekend…Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
October 1st arrives. I go to work and read an email from Bud, a 70 year old American I met in Thailand. We cut down trees together. This is what his email said:
I’ll admit, when I read the first part I was all “be still and know that I am God yadda yadda got it.” But when my eyes absorbed the next part, I was still. Usually something happens in our hearts when God makes us wait.
I still don’t know what God is up to. I still don’t know how I feel. I’m still not sold on fall. What I do know is that something is happening in my heart. Something, I don’t know what. But something.
It’s late as I write this. The rain continues to fall as October 1st fades into October 2nd. Tomorrow is Tuesday, probably nothing out of the ordinary will happen. But the leaves are changing, whether they know it or not…
just like my heart.
“You know what’s weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change, but pretty soon…everything’s different.”
– Bill Watterson