october first.

Today it rained, but that didn’t matter. Everyone still seemed to buzz with excitement.

October is finally here. 

I’m a summer girl through and through, always preferring hot over cold (…yes, I realize you can always add more layers when you’re cold. Try going to college in Toledo, Ohio during the dead of winter and then talk to me about layers. Midwest winters don’t care about your layers.)

I’ve never been able to enjoy autumn because to me it foreshadows winter, ahem, death – hence why bears hibernate and birds flee for their lives. Get away while you can, save yourselves! They all seem to understand: go to sleep, go south or die.

I’ve done what I can to migrate south – but the snow still falls in Georgia. I’ve seen it.

Fall has never been a good thing to me. I’ve never caught the buzz.

That is, until today.

Well, I won’t go as far as to say I’ve caught the buzz, but I will say that today I didn’t mind it. I didn’t consider it a threat. I actually kind of enjoyed people’s blogs and status updates about the changing seasons.

It’s been another one of those 8 months of summer kind of years. I didn’t think I’d experience that again after my first World Race, but here I am again. Last time I was so, so sad when the seasons changed, this time I’m not.

I’m not sad about it, but I’m not exactly happy either. I don’t know what I am.

This is how I’ve felt most of the summer – confused about what it is I’m actually feeling. Lots of good things have happened and I’ve had a lot of fun. But so many relationships have shifted and I find myself writing in my diary things like, “What are you doing, God? Who are the people in the same season of life as me?” and, “I just want someone who won’t leave.”

I keep wondering what God is up to, but he’s not telling me. Sometimes I trust him well, other times not as much.

Three months ago I had this dream: I was pregnant and it was time to give birth, but when I tried the baby didn’t come. So the rest of the dream was me waiting around for labor. Also, I didn’t look pregnant, but I was. 

This is how I feel. Like I’m ready for something and I’m just waiting around for it to happen. But nothing’s happening. So I wait. And wait.

Summer fades, fall sneaks in.

Waiting.

Wondering.

Anticipating.

Drinking tea, reading books, going to Target. I wore the same shirt all weekend…Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

October 1st arrives. I go to work and read an email from Bud, a 70 year old American I met in Thailand. We cut down trees together. This is what his email said:

I’ll admit, when I read the first part I was all “be still and know that I am God yadda yadda got it.” But when my eyes absorbed the next part, I was still. Usually something happens in our hearts when God makes us wait.

Bam.

I still don’t know what God is up to. I still don’t know how I feel. I’m still not sold on fall. What I do know is that something is happening in my heart. Something, I don’t know what. But something.

It’s late as I write this. The rain continues to fall as October 1st fades into October 2nd. Tomorrow is Tuesday, probably nothing out of the ordinary will happen. But the leaves are changing, whether they know it or not…

just like my heart.

 “You know what’s weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change, but pretty soon…everything’s different.”
– Bill Watterson

Advertisements

About Hope Naomi

Lover of all things tea and travel.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to october first.

  1. chels says:

    i love you so much. for some reason, i feel like crying right now. come snuggle me because i’m still in bed.

  2. Kerina Gad says:

    Hope! This was awesome. “the leaves are changing, whether they know it or not…..just like my heart.” I appreciate this so much. Thankyou!

  3. renee says:

    love, love, love this.

  4. Marissa says:

    Its even kind of cool in S. Texas these days. I keep my flip flops in the car though in case the warmth wants to come back. Which it usually does by 3 pm. :/

    This made me think of our good ol’ friend Joshua Radin and his words, “I don’t mind the wait, it’s fine. As long as you know it’s the wait that could be the something.”

    I miss you.

    • Hope Naomi says:

      I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. And I’m [finally] seeing Joshua Radin in concert, November 8. Maybe he’s what I’ve been waiting for all along…

  5. Rebekah says:

    I SO needed that. Thank you. I’m struggling right now, and you’ve helped with your word and conversations.

  6. Allie says:

    I think we need to chat soon because the past 2 blogs of yours I’ve read, I just want to say, “ditto.” But I don’t use that word..soo…. 🙂

  7. Caitlin says:

    This made my cry… No joke, real tears. Maybe my favorite of yours that I have read. When you ask who is in the same season, the answer is me. Now if we could just figure out how to be in the same location. I love you and your beautiful changing heart.

  8. Lisa says:

    You know where is GREAT in Autumn? No snow and not too cold…….yes, you’ve guessed it…the UK!!!!!!

  9. Austin Anglea says:

    always enjoy reading your posts!

  10. Well, way to speak right into my soul for what I’m doing now….waiting… crazy! Also, ummmm…you’re ALWAYS welcome to come to Central Florida and visit me!! Just saying. 😀

  11. Kacie Lynn says:

    I now have an intolerably strong desire to get to know your heart way better than I do.

    and to celebrate fall with you. we don’t have to do the cold part – we can just do the crisp/burnt-orange, pumpkin-and-apple-and-caramel flavored, lazy days, hands wrapped around warm mugs part. and laughing. laughing is an integral part of any good celebration, I think. we don’t need to know how we feel to laugh.

    you in?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s