I didn’t feel myself on Saturday, it was just one of those off days.
Usually I’m normal, some days I’m crazy (…and not the cute Natalie-Portman-in-Garden State kind of crazy.) The kind of crazy that is anxious and irrational. Thankfully I have friends who listen to me and love me despite the kind of day I’m having. They let me talk in circles, they don’t try to fix me. And that means everything.
On Saturday night I decided to see a movie by myself.
But first I went to Barnes & Noble. I love browsing the journals that never change, the tiny books of wit and wisdom that no one ever buys, the magnets with cheesy quotes that speak to my soul, calenders with puppies or Paris on them, classic books I’ve read and have yet to read, magazines about science and celebrities and being seventeen, the travel section with all the places I’ve been or want to go. It was there I sat down on the floor, curled up my knees and opened a book about Mexico. And then Malaysia. I didn’t realize it until later, but my anxiety faded into excitement.
I bought my first Christmas present and walked outside, wondering if there was a Wendy’s nearby. I looked up and there was a bright, glowing Wendy’s sign right in front of me…as if a sign from God. I laughed.
I stuffed the frosty in my purse and bought a ticket for The Perks of Being a Wallflower. The guy who ripped my ticket affirmed my choice, “That’s a good one,” he said. I smiled and went into the theater, where I had a whole row to myself. The first preview came on and within thirty seconds I was in tears. (I’m not a crier.)
I loved every minute of the movie. I laughed, I cried some more, I stayed until the credits finished rolling and the lights came on. When I walked out the ticket guy was still there, “did you cry?” he asked. “The tears are still wet on my face,” I answered.
It was cold and after midnight, but I drove straight to Walmart to buy the soundtrack. They didn’t have it, so I bought veggies instead.
I drove home jamming to Mumford and Sons, crawled into bed and fell asleep knowing that everything was going to be okay.
I can see it. This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you’re listening to that song and that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment I swear, we are infinite.