living in tension.

Before Christmas my brother and I had a discussion about marriage. He mentioned how  people tend to imagine marriage as a place where tension dissolves and all of a sudden its easy to love someone. But to him, tension is always there – despite whether people feel it or not. Tension comes from people having separate minds and different experiences. Marriage means trying to love someone amidst and through and with the tension.

That’s where I’ve been with God lately. Living in the tension.

In the past when I’ve had problems with God I’ve responded by either a) picking myself off the floor and giving him the benefit of the doubt or b) pulling away and losing trust in him.

But this time is different. This time I’m not pulling away even though I feel 100% let down by him.

This year began with a crushed promise, a devastated heart and no explanation from him. And yet we’re still sleeping in the same bed. We’re still trucking through life together even though what happened isn’t resolved, not even a little bit.

So yeah, I feel disappointed by God – but I feel so close to him. He’s not threatened by the tension, and neither am I.

I live with a married couple, and one time Chris told me that fighting/having tension with your romantic partner while dating is scary, because you never know if you might break up or not. But when you’re married that option isn’t there – so in a way there’s relief when tension arises. I know we’ll make it through this.

I think that’s beautiful. And that’s exactly how I feel. I’m too deep in this thing with God to ever get out, that’s just not an option.

I know we’ll make it through this, I know we’ll be closer because of it.

So I’m okay if it takes a little while. And I think God is too.

pic

My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever.

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About Hope Naomi

Lover of all things tea and travel.
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6 Responses to living in tension.

  1. nomes2riches says:

    your heart is beautiful.

    ________________________________

  2. hollandocox says:

    really love this
    also i really love chris’s wise words

  3. Bono says:

    Very intriguing, honest post.

    Ultimately, there could be theological implications. You mention God gave you no explanation for something that went bad in your life. Do you merely want an explanation or do you believe He owes you one?

    Do we – sinners saved by grace – DESERVE good things?

    If He has promised to supply all your needs, has He failed? If so, why trust Him at all?

    What does God owe us? (“Does he thank the servant because he did what was commanded? So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.'” – Luke 17:9-11 ESV)

    You’ve drawn – like only the best storytellers – interesting parallels, these between the marriage between two fatally-flawed sinners and also the relationship between you and the omnipotent, benevolent, perfect creator of the universe.

    The main difference, based on what the Bible says, is that the tension created in your relationship with God is always going to be on you (and maybe, on some level, on what Adam and Eve did in the garden). “For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life. The saying is trustworthy, and I want you to insist on these things, so that those who have believed in God may be careful to devote themselves to good works. These things are excellent and profitable for people.” – Titus 3:3-8 ESV

    If I believe God messes up or if believe that God allows disaster and tragedy in my life that He SHOULD NOT (and I know I’ve held this belief in the past), then should I even trust God can save me eternally and securely? Is a God that CAN’T stop a girl from breaking my heart or a car from slamming into my uncle even worth believing in? Compared to Zeus, this is a pretty powerless god.

    My current self would argue that a lot of animosity I held towards God that I didn’t repent of slowed my growth. When my view of God was transient, malleable, and not beholden to Scripture, the healing process was on my terms, not God’s.

    I just think, at the end of the day, it’s our lack of faith (a sin that I still need to confess and repent of) that causes us to question God.

    I wish more people would be as honest as you, and I’m amazed that you aren’t a published author yet (that I know of). 🙂

    • Hope Naomi says:

      Mmm good stuff.

      Also, your last line made me blush! Thanks for believing in me, Bono…you’re always so good to me 🙂

      P.S. If I do ever get published, maybe you can be my editor (you can my typos, yo!)

  4. Pingback: Why Do I Struggle With Trust? | Hugh Roberts

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