Before Christmas my brother and I had a discussion about marriage. He mentioned how people tend to imagine marriage as a place where tension dissolves and all of a sudden its easy to love someone. But to him, tension is always there – despite whether people feel it or not. Tension comes from people having separate minds and different experiences. Marriage means trying to love someone amidst and through and with the tension.
That’s where I’ve been with God lately. Living in the tension.
In the past when I’ve had problems with God I’ve responded by either a) picking myself off the floor and giving him the benefit of the doubt or b) pulling away and losing trust in him.
But this time is different. This time I’m not pulling away even though I feel 100% let down by him.
This year began with a crushed promise, a devastated heart and no explanation from him. And yet we’re still sleeping in the same bed. We’re still trucking through life together even though what happened isn’t resolved, not even a little bit.
So yeah, I feel disappointed by God – but I feel so close to him. He’s not threatened by the tension, and neither am I.
I live with a married couple, and one time Chris told me that fighting/having tension with your romantic partner while dating is scary, because you never know if you might break up or not. But when you’re married that option isn’t there – so in a way there’s relief when tension arises. I know we’ll make it through this.
I think that’s beautiful. And that’s exactly how I feel. I’m too deep in this thing with God to ever get out, that’s just not an option.
I know we’ll make it through this, I know we’ll be closer because of it.
So I’m okay if it takes a little while. And I think God is too.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.