It’s Sunday night – clothes are in the dryer, food for the week is in the fridge, room is mostly clean. Candle is lit and Brandi Carlile is singing to me.
Lately life has been full of sunny days. Warrior Dash, Ultimate Frisbee, sand volleyball, Braves games. Outdoor weddings and birthday parties. Frozen yogurt.
All I want is to be outside… all the time. It makes me feel like a kid during summer. Carefree and alive.
I’m on the tail end of a very overwhelming 7 months – the worst of which were January, February and March. I came to the very end of myself in every way. Work, relationships, etc. I’ve been through seasons of grief, depression, disappointment, loneliness, and brokenness… but none of them compare to this season. All I can say about this season is I came to the end of myself.
Everything felt out of control. All I could do was show up… and then cry about it later. Like most people, I don’t like crying in public. I go to movies by myself so I can be alone and cry. Welp, when you come to the end of yourself you just don’t care anymore.
One day at the end of March I called Betsy (my friend/family/mentor/hero) from the Target parking lot and sobbed to her for an hour. Then I went into Target. Naturally.
Also that week I cried in a restaurant. And Kroger.
Here’s the thing about coming to the end of yourself: you don’t have any energy to pretend things are different than what they are. You’re just trying to not drown. Pride and performance (aka your friends who help make you look better than you actually are) ditch you, leaving you vulnerable and exposed. You’re a hot mess and people know it.
I was really proud my boss had never seen me cry. Then I cried in his office… twice. I also called him crying after work one day. He saw me cry at other times as well. Basically, the joke’s on me now.
It’s humbling, coming to the end of yourself. But it’s also exciting. You know when they thought the world was flat, but later discovered it kept going? That’s how I felt during these months. I was discovering things about myself I didn’t know existed. I stumbled upon uncharted territories.
When I cried to Betsy in the Target parking lot she told me it sounded like a shift was going to happen soon. I agreed with her. There was so much pressure, so much friction in my life that something had to change, give way, be born.
Two weeks later, something shifted. I didn’t do anything. God causes the sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. Learning that, and allowing him to have his way in my life is one of the most mature ideas I’ve accepted in my faith. God does what he wants. I don’t always understand (most of the time I don’t), but I will always align with Him.
The last 4 weeks have been the calm after the storm. Or in my case, the fun after the storm.
I have a lot to process from the season I just came out of, and there is still a lot of uncertainty in many areas of my life, but I no longer feel like I’m drowning. Instead of being taken out by the waves, I’m playing in them.
I’m expectant for the future, the summer, the coming season. I have a feeling it’s only going to get better.
Until next time…