When I was a young girl I watched a show called The Donut Man. The main characters consist of man in overalls and a talking donut. Together they sing about God’s love.
“Life without God’s love is like a donut, cause there’s a hole in the middle of your heart… only Jesus’ love can fill the missing part,” they sing.
I loved the show when I was younger (hello, donuts), but now I’m left wondering if The Donut Man duped me. The Donut Man and the rest of Western Christian culture, that is.
The older I get the more I’m convinced people are starving for love, worth, acceptance, belonging. Our insides are rattled with fear and insecurity; deep down we’re all awkward middle schoolers wanting the cool kids to notice us.
Our deepest desire is to be fully known and fully loved.
The only way to be fully known and loved is by God.
But what if his love isn’t enough?
Last year I pulled a Peter; I jumped out of the boat. “Come,” Jesus said. (Matthew 14:29.) I obeyed, leaving everything safe and secure behind me to get closer to Him. I moved out of my house, my place of belonging. I loosened my grip on the relationships I held near.
It was like giving up a drug cold turkey. I felt the gaping hole in my heart, a hole I had stuffed and numbed with people. It ached for love. Oh, how it ached.
It still aches.
I once heard someone say our fears are never as bad as we think they are. I politely disagree. Sometimes they are just as bad, sometimes they are worse.
“Was this loneliness there all along, masked by people and busyness?” I wrote in my journal yesterday.
Had I known how hard this journey would be this past year, how big the waves really are, I doubt I would have left the boat.
I wonder if the disciples ever felt the same way.
I gave up my idols, my everything, to follow Jesus, so shouldn’t my heart be whole? Shouldn’t I be fully satisfied in Him? He did, after all, come to bring life more abundantly. So why do I still feel lack?
This is something I’ve wrestled with for months.
I feel close to him, intimate with him, married to him… yet I feel lonely and unsatisfied. What does The Donut Man have to say about that?
I don’t have the answers, but I know where I stand. For some time now I have accepted the fact that God sends the rain on the righteous and the unrighteous (Matthew 5:45). He does what he wants. We don’t always get to know why.
And just as I believe we’re all insecure middle schoolers desperate for love, I also believe we have fire and grit and stone at the core of who we are. If we dig deep and find that place, that strength, we can stand firm amidst the waves crashing down on us.
The more we activate that place inside us, the more resilient we become. “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him.” (Job 13:15). YES.
Maybe I’m in a season of testing, maybe not. Maybe God will fill the hole in my heart, maybe not. Whatever the case may be, I will dig deep and trust in him.
I’ve gone back and forth on whether or not I should finish this blog and publish it. Mostly because it’s exposing myself deeply and what if people think I’m crazy? Or worse, what if people try to fix me with Christian clichés?
I decided to go ahead and publish it because I have a nagging feeling I’m not the only one who feels this way.
I’m curious, do you feel like you have a hole in your heart Jesus hasn’t satisfied? How do you respond to that? Or if you don’t feel a lack, do you think you’re stuffing yourself with something else? Anyone feel 100% loved 100% of the time?
All vulnerable answers welcome.