Two years ago this month I came to Starbucks and poured my heart out to God; pen scribbling in diary, tears dripping on table.
I had been asked to take over the college-age program (Passport). My insides screamed no, but my mouth said yes because I knew it was what God had for me. He would have to change my heart to match his.
My heart didn’t change. Even though I prayed, even though I asked. Months passed. I felt trapped. The only thing keeping me going was realizing Kingdom work is not about me, it’s about the Kingdom, and I could suffer for that.
On January 28, 2015 I wrote: “I cried four times today. FOUR TIMES. The first time was triggered by failure, the other three were triggered by the fact I’m not excited about Passport. So why does God have me here? One day I’ll know. In the meantime I will suffer and struggle and push through to the Promised Land.”
The months continued to pass, the tears continued to flow…
And then, somewhere along the way my heart changed.
I often ask married people “when was the moment you knew you wanted to marry your husband/wife?” The answer is always the same. It wasn’t a moment, it was a gradual progression.
A year ago I watched Chris and Katherine compete in the Passport dance-off for the third time. As they flailed around the dance floor to “Don’t Stop Believing” I felt my heart rush with warmth. I wanted to be there. I didn’t want to be anywhere else. That feeling surprised me.
My heart continued to warm up and grow to love what I was doing.
Yesterday concluded my last Passport camp of the year (my 6th since I took on this role.)
Today I came to Starbucks to catch up on alone time, to read and write. As I wrote in my journal I was overcome with gratitude, thanking God for so many things. “Thank you for letting me work with college-age students.” Suddenly I flashed back to September 2014. I continued to write. “Thank you for breaking me and building me up again. Two years ago I sat in this Starbucks and wept over the ‘new’ you had for me. Today, I’m grateful.”
From there I looked up the blog I published two years about this transition, and I was shocked to see what I wrote:
truth: this new role will become my dream job, and I will look back and see how God spared me. Even though it kills me right now.
I was right. This role became my dream job. God came through.
Today I carry the weight of that promise coming to pass.
These kind of moments make it all worth it. The suffering, the questions, the confusion. The journey is messy and the giants are scary, but the milk & honey are that much sweeter because of it.
Whatever you are waiting on God to do, don’t lose heart. He will turn your pain into joy and your tears into laughter. I don’t know when, but I know he will.
I’m still waiting on some promises to be fulfilled, but today this one’s in the books.